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Songs I Wrote Instead of Killing Myself

by Jetty Bones

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1.
Call On Me 01:13
So tonight I am calling from the darkest corner of my existence. So tonight I am crawling from this shallow pool that I’ve been drowning in. So if You’re gonna call on me, oh God, I hate to put the pressure on, But if You could hurry up before my soul gets lost. You know I wanna lean on You. I know the goings gonna get so tough. But enough’s enough. Oh God, enough is enough. Enough is enough.
2.
Currently 03:12
I woke up last year and realized I was almost dead. Face to face with my biggest fears, so I just went back to bed. I learned the long way and the hard way, that shit’s not fair. I was living the dream - it turns out that it’s a nightmare. Cause I don’t really wanna live like this anymore, But I don’t quite wanna die like I did before. I just want a good place and go. Am I allowed to be happy yet? I dropped the ball last year, and this year just the same. Sold my soul and I lost my heart playing their little games. Now there’s an expectation for me to publicize when my brain is under attack, But if it’s gonna kill me then I don’t want to do that - But I’m too scared to really push back. Cause I don’t really wanna live like this anymore, But I don’t quite wanna die like I did before. I just want a good place and go. Am I allowed to be happy yet? I’m not calling it a dark spot- How do you perceive the ink blots in your life? I think it might have been the best time, But I don’t really wanna psychoanalyze Waking up from the long nights, Glitter stuck in my eyes, Tired and demoralized. Kevin, can you drive? I don’t think I’ve got the right fight. I’m awkward under these lights. Maybe I should ghost write? Letting out a deep sigh. Back bench is where I cry. I try to make it normalized. I swear that I am fine. I think I could’ve done better, But I was slowly kind of dying on the inside. But I’m afraid of the headspace I had back then. It sounds dumb in a song, but I miss my friends. I just wanna buy a new van and go. Am I allowed to be happy yet? The survey says no. No, bitch you sold your sole. (Kevin, can you drive? Tonight, please?)
3.
Running 02:44
I’ve been running on empty. All my jogging turned into a sprint. I’ve been preaching to everybody “I know you’re ready for it”, But I’m not ready yet. I play the part. Meanwhile, I’m always crying in the backseat, Betty. I’m always crying in the backseat even though they all sing along. I’m always crying in the backseat, Betty. Oh, am I really running, Or am I just complaining? Thought I was flying, but I guess I’m hydroplaning. One sip and then I slip into nothing, Into a discord or a discussion. This shameful secret “something” is the depth of this dysfunction. Cause I’m a drag. I’m not the fun - One set a night is the exception. I’m too much. I’m too heavy for anyone that’s met me. I gotta be the mom at the fire. A preacher longing to join the choir. Your favorite angel on high is a liar. I’m a liar. I play the part. Meanwhile, I’m always crying in the backseat, Betty. I’m always crying in the backseat even though they all sing along. I’m always crying in the backseat, Betty. I’m always crying.
4.
Ladder 05:19
Calm now, so you don’t see it on the surface, How I’ve been dreaming about purpose ‘cause I can’t find mine. Darkness lives in my blood now. It says it wants to crawl out, But I don’t want to do down like this. But patience started feeling like complacency, Then started feeling like my destiny. My head doesn’t like me. My brain always fights me. My body is still a jar. I’m my worst enemy. My reflection’s dead to me- Can’t stomach seeing what I’ve become. So I won’t. I’ll keep my eyes closed. I’m on the edge but everyone’s counting on me. I’m making ground but it’s shaking under my feet. I’m standing in the foreground wishing there was nothing to see. What do I have to do to get me back to me? Just don’t keep your eyes closed. You can’t keep your eyes closed I’m gone now, But I’m just coasting on the come down. See, I’ve been practicing our loud saying “I don’t want to live like this”. I’ve been waiting to outlive my expectations, But when I think back I know that I already did. I won’t be my downfall. I’ll show up for the call, Make good on the promise that I’ll stay. I will accept my limits, And pull back when I hit them- But when I break… I’ll keep my eyes closed. I’m on the edge but everyone’s counting on me. I’m making ground but it’s shaking under my feet. I’m standing in the foreground wishing there was nothing to see. What do I have to do to get me back to me? Just don’t keep your eyes closed. Listen, you can’t keep your eyes closed. I’ll come back. What’s missing? You’re missing it. Come back. What’s missing? You’re missing it. You’re missing it. credits
5.
Blood Stream 01:40
I… I’m starting to feel something familiar…? Something from way back when. Something I don’t miss. Something I’m done with. Something I always thought we could be better than. Oh, we fell, but are you coming down without me? Elusive now are all those nights that felt like day dreams. Is there no effort? Is it comfortability? Or was it just the alcohol in my blood stream? I’m starting to feel something indifferent. Something like way back when Before I first met you. Before I could see the light. Cause something is missing, And I miss what it felt like. Oh, we fell, but are you coming down without me? Elusive now are all those nights that felt like day dreams. Is there no effort? Is it comfortability? Or was it just the alcohol in my our stream?
6.
Violins 01:58
It’s a prologue with a preface, An unconsolable defeat. It isn’t what you want, but it sure as hell is what you need. It’s a border of perception, The lines drawn in between. You’re throwing water on your canvas and it’s smearing all your ink. Don’t wash yourself clean of me. Maybe you lost the reference in the course of seven years. While you were holding all my trauma, I was holding all your fears. We were never quite as bad as we made each other out to be, So here’s to the violins you hated, But listened to for me. You were the one who let me breathe again. I never got to thank you for everything you did. You were the one who let my demons end. You were the one who finally took me to the ocean. You made me feel safe in my own skin - A damn near miracle after everything he did. You were the future that I had to end, Cause I couldn’t tell you that it happened again. You were the one. You were the one who. You were the one. You were the one who finally took me to the ocean.
7.
Break 01:24
Hey. When do we get a break? 2020 sucked. Nobody’s claiming that that’s not the case. I think I really need this year to breach The surface of a perspective that proudly perseveres. Cause when this started, I swear I was swimming, Or at least declaring “I’m not drowning I’m just drinking-”. So now I’ve departed from that illusion and, let me make this pretty clear, I don’t like it here… Twist my arm or break a leg, Contort my face into a smile. It’s my shit show and it paid the bills, But then it all died. So if you wanna cut my head off, Don’t be shy - I’ll start. Here’s a nice blade for my jugular. Oh, pretty please decapitate me, Cause I’ve been thinking lately, That’s the kind of help I would prefer. If you would be so kind, To help me say goodbye forever.
8.
Here 01:48
I’m exhausted, catatonic, But my brain won’t catch up on it. I’ve been knifed down, left on the floor. There’s blood in my mouth, But that’s what they’re here for. That’s all I’m here for. This life? It keeps on taking more than I anticipated. They on you and they love your pain Because it gives them all another song to sing. That’s all I’m here for - because it gives them all another song to sing. That’s all I’m here for. That’s all I’m here for. That life I was creating, I wanted to see what was left after the staging, Cause when the glitter is off and the makeup runs, You’re left with all your demons and no one. There’s no one here for it. You’re left with all your demons and no one. There’s no one here for it.
9.
A Nice Place 02:22
It’s a long way down from a quarter to top. You say you need a break, then say that you can’t stop. After descent the climb is so much harder, When the dirt starts to mix with the blood of your daughters. (We were so close.) It started with passion, it started with vision, But when you sold your story the rest became scripted. Life asked for a callback - the repetition of trauma, So you hid like a recluse disbanding your honor. (You were so close.) When the curtains drop, and you’re taking the bow All that they want from you is this incredulous vow. The lights start to dim and the crowd is dispersing - This kind of life makes you less than a person. (You were so closed.) This looks like a nice place to die. This looks like a nice place to die. This looks like a nice place to die. This looks like a nice place to die. This looks like a nice place to die. This looks like the right place to die.
10.
Hotel 02:02
Start it, And start it off innocent. It started. You know it started off innocent. I’ve been thinking of that dark hotel room, Where we ended up accidentally. I started speaking like a poet in the bathroom; Started thinking kind of existentially. But I don’t want to help you ruin your life. I won’t help you hate yourself tonight. I’ve been thinking of that dark hotel room. How you finally got the nerve to say to me, How you felt so much for so long, But thought it would have fleeted eventually. But I don’t want to help you ruin your life. No. I won’t make you hate yourself tonight. Not tonight. If we held on a little bit longer… All the things we might have been. If we had been a little bit more diligent, But now we don’t even speak.
11.
Claws 01:06
I didn’t mean to make you sad, Or feel anything less than the best. I never wanted to let my demons Get a claw in you just to hear you start screaming out loud. If I don’t wanna worry, then I need this. I always say I’m sorry and I mean it. You’re never gonna worry or regret. You always say you’re sorry and you mean it.
12.
Is it wrong that I miss you when holidays come around? Is it so wrong if I only miss the good parts? Cause we know I’m happy, and you’re happy where you are. But who made the rules that we can’t celebrate the good parts? Do you remember how we fought every single New Year’s Eve? Without exception. Who does that? What kind of rockstar couple in a movie cliche is that? I’m sorry. Can you hold this?
13.
Out of Sight 02:40
I remember when I woke up and realized that you were gone, And when I finally spoke up, don’t wanna hear me going on and on About how we broke up. Out of your sight I was so alone, And no I’m getting choked up - cause I don’t really wanna say these things to you. Do you really wanna be here? You left once, are you scared to leave again? Should I switch gears? I wanna stay, but I think you’re indifferent. And that’s my biggest fear - I spend my life stuck in the same story. You always disappear, And I wish I could believe it when you say you’re sorry. I remember when you called back, When I was warm and safe last summer. I can’t believe you said that, When I was leaning on all my other friends as a life hack. They were the ones who got me through bad weather. You never did that. No wonder I keep getting so sad when we’re together…
14.
Dead Ends 00:54
You? I’ve been missing you. But I don’t know what to do when we’re in this situation; Can’t even have a conversation. How am I supposed to feel when I just wanna be talking But it’s always got me feeling like I’m the storm clouds in your blue skies. Cause I always bring you down, Further than you’ve ever been. The inverse of how I lifted you up way back, Way back when.
15.
Whatever 03:28
I hate to say it but I’m back on my old shit, Curled up, drinking wine in my basement. Hiding out, buried in stress, And avoiding everybody that I’ve ever met. And that means you too. There’s no exception when I’m in this mood. I only build to blow it up. Now watch me self destruct. I found a dark hole, gotta climb out, Find a foot hold and some steady ground. See your silhouette through the kitchen clouds, In the back beat when you’re not around. I heard it all crawling through the grape vine. You’re happy with yours. I’m happy with mine. I’m not mad this ended. I’m just sad. I think I lost my best friend. And I’ll admit that I miss my old demons. Crying on the floor, six drinks in, Avoiding hope in the exorcism. I’m more productive when I give in. They won’t admit to the paradigm, Or how they love it when cry. Low key encouraging the end times. Why? We love an artist that wants to die. (Oh my God, did she say that?) (That’s like, so fucking cringe.) (Oh my God, I think she did. Is she okay?) It’s still a dark hole, and I need out. No sunlight, just the darkest clouds. So strong that my head feels heavy now. Always waiting. Always weighing down. I’m playing back memories in real time. It doesn’t look like me, or my life. Have you ever felt all the good shift, And realized you ruined it? You ruined it. You ruined, cause you ruin. So here’s a shout out to everyone that lived through 2020, When half our friends? They didn’t make it. Hope was smaller than the body count- ing down the days ’til we could be in the same place, Yet when that moment came I only hid myself further away. But fuck you to the people who said that I “missed my moment”. In 2021 I took my story back and someone stole it. I’d rather be a self proclaimed suicide queen than A victim who’s stuck in between again. On a platform, only trying to get better. When they called me a “survivor” I never felt like surviving. And it always felt fraudulent . And it always felt confusing. My favorite part of the plan has always been the end. My favorite of the plan is ruining it. My favorite part of the plan is ruined.
16.
January 2019 02:31
I’ve been thinking of your tiny town, And holding hands on your ice covered streets, And wondering what the fuck went wrong when you left me that January. And when I’m talking with our friends - The ones you always believed over me, They say they think I deserve better. Your friends always tell me I should leave. So what the fuck do they know? Is there something that I don’t? Cause I’ve got a feeling something happened when you left, But you’re not gonna talk And I never forget. Don’t you feel it? That dulling ache. I’ve been thinking of my lonely nights And how I changed in 2019, When I was at my rock bottom And you abandoned me. But I finally found a little piece of mind In new friends when you withdrew And you still have no idea the kind of hell that I went through. Oh, don’t you feel it? That dulling ache from the distance. I want your permanent persistence. Tell me you’re in this. Tell me it’s endless. So thank God, they were there to listen to The fucked up thoughts I was sorting through, You don’t want to know what happened Or hear about it, but I’ll never forget Cause you never wanna listen to The fucked up things I’m going through. It felt nice not to have to only count on you.
17.
Reason 01:57
They said it was a good life and I dismissed it, Like I prefer the push back of my existence. But fate fucks your hand when you’re trying to script it, Turning trauma into art and then calling it “kismet”. They said I was a good one but I think I missed it, Melted with the buttering up from a distance, Cause nobody’s the bad guy when we all play victim. Lost love is just a curse for the reminiscent. If I give up and give in, will they get it? If I’m too lost for this cause, will they forget it? How many times do I have to say “I’m sinking, not swimming”? If I breathe in, will you forget? Don’t say it. Everything happens for some damned reason, When you try to reason with it. And everything bad gets called a “season”, But the four repeat so I implore you not imply that it’ll happen again. Don’t say it. Everything happens for some damned reason, So don’t try to reason with it.
18.
Poison 03:31
Just another bad day in a bad year. Just another thing to add to the list. All the things that we carry around on our shoulders In the water, in a backpack full of bricks. They say it’s hard to feel the weight if you keep swimming. (Just keep swimming.) Do anything to keep your head up in the clear. But no one really listens to you when you tell them You’re having trouble finding any air. Everybody is learning and growing and human. We had the best intentions but cancel culture is poison. Everybody is learning and growing and human. We had the best intentions but cancel culture is poisoned. Maybe I just need some time to think it over, To restart and get a good night’s sleep. Anything to keep my brain from going back to Where I left it in 2015. I want to find reform in devastation, Or at least a reason to stay sane. Can we have a tiny safe space here? For growing, ‘cause I’m still growing. ‘Cause I’m only human with aches in my bones too. I’d make more mistakes, but I’m not allowed to. It seems like a good time to start heading out soon. 2020’s the year I swallowed the spoon. Everybody is learning and growing and human. We had the best intentions but cancel culture is poison. Everybody is learning and growing and human. We had the best intentions but cancel culture is poison. What if the bricks we had were meant for building? And it’s our job to make the other side? When the weight suffocates and drowns you, Please hold on for the right. Please hold on. Hold on. Hold on for your life. credits
19.
Split 01:06
[INSIDE] I’m so tired that I can’t sleep, As strange as that seems. We say it all the time. We sing it all the time, But I don’t think we know what it means. It’s when your brain is shutting down Or when your life is turning out Exactly how You never thought it’d be When you’re ignoring all your friends You’re drowning in the shallow end You’re standing tall as you can without any conviction in it, Cause you don’t really wanna be here anymore. And I don’t really wanna be here anymore. I don’t really wanna be here anymore. I don’t really wanna be here anymore. [OUTSIDE] I am stronger and I’m smarter and I’m faster and I’m harder when it counts, Cause I am better now. I’m better. I’m not anxious, I’m composed So when I’m breaking no one knows, Cause I’m the best - but even better now, Since I stopped blowing up their phones And I only cry when I’m alone. I took that picture off my home screen. I do my breathing exercises, Count my senses back from five, And all my plants are somehow still green. I practice words of affirmation instead of drinking in my basement. I tell myself to repeat after myself repeating after me. But after this, can I go home like You promised? Please after this, can I go home like You promised?
20.
Outgrew 00:43
Everybody wants the old me, and I do too. I wanna shrink back down and apologize for what I turned into. I guess I got too much glitter in my eyes for me to see it how I used to. I hope she’s still there, But I’m just scared I burned her down and wrote it off as “outgrew”.
21.
I think it’s good. I think I’m moving on. I think it's better in the long run. I know I’m tired of always being on. I wanna shut it down. I wanna turn it off. I wanna turn it off. I wanna turn it off. Now I feel fraudulent when they sing back to me. I’m on a pedestal where I don’t wanna be. So I tried to write some songs - another failed attempt To make them see me as a fucking human. But when you share your pain for public consumption, You’ll set their dinner plates, And smile ’til they’re done. Give them their knives and forks, While you’re rare and bleeding tons, And while they eat your soul, They’ll call you an inspiration. They call you an inspiration. They called you an inspiration, But I’m not. I’m not. So I’ll stay up tonight, lost in my lonely thoughts, And try to sleep before my next shift at the shop. Cause I found some solace there - I relate to that machine. It pulls the people in, they take what they want and leave. So I’m just a ghost of need. I embrace escapism in the simple task of writing words on lids. I won’t underestimate this dulling isolation With other passing ghosts and fleeting connections. I’m just fleeting connections.
22.
Sometimes I wonder if my roommate counts the empty bottles in our recycling bin. I’m trying hard to keep it on the down low, But I can’t fall asleep without it. Things are going great. We’re talking hard about recovery, But they all failed to notice I’ve got color in my cheeks again. Sometimes I wonder when they’ll figure out I’m so truly fraudulent. I tried my best to stay, But I don’t think I’m gonna make it.
23.
Roadkill 02:02
I don’t wanna say what I think anymore, Cause I don’t wanna scare anyone. I didn’t wanna go to that dark place again, But it already won. I don’t wanna talk. I don’t wanna talk. I don’t wanna talk. I don’t wanna talk. I said no. I don’t wanna talk. I said stop. I don’t wanna talk. I said stop. I don’t wanna talk. I said stop. I don’t wanna talk. I said stop. And I think I’ve finally succumb to that voice in my head that told me that it’s done. I lost.
24.
Poured 00:41
So tonight I filled my cup With the ratio leaning towards the poison, But I poured it off my porch, Cause for the first time in awhile I heard your voice again. And I know that’s what you’d want me to do. So tonight, my long lost friend, I poured it out for you. I poured one out for you.
25.
I feel a little lost in the forest before us. I’m crawling on the floor and I’m trying to find those old bread crumbs That I left behind when I started to regress. But now I only regret that I’ve lost so much progress. You know, that blow never softened, And I’m still thinking of you often, Because I don’t know how to stop this. No, I don’t know how to stop this.
26.
Tell Me 00:59
You? I think you want me to leave. I think you wanna pull the trigger again, But don’t want blood on your sleeves. I don’t think you’re gonna stay, Because you can’t even say you’re sorry for leaving, Or tell me why you wanted to come back in the first place. It’s only guilt that’s keeping you here.
27.
You got me feeling so small, I don’t want to participate. I wish my body would disappear and slowly dissipate. I can’t really remember the last time that I ate. You got me feeling sick. You got me feeling sick to my stomach. Sick to my stomach. Sick, sick to my stomach. You got me feeling so good, I don’t really know what to say. I know you gotta work early, didn’t mean to keep you up so late. Now, you make a good muse. Can I use you in that way? Cause I can feel it my stomach and below the waist. Sick to my stomach. Sick, sick to my stomach.
28.
Sting 02:51
Villain or victim? I can’t write the story without both. When you meet our maker, Will you speak or will you choke? A familiar sound in the silence, It fades out when I try less to die less, I digress. Hopeless feels like more. It’s the same walk to the bodega. The same store, the same perks, the same clerk, Who remembers that I said that “I don’t drink anymore”. The epitome of self violence. Oh, they’ll buy this- Hey kids, try this. It only hurts for a second, and then it won’t even sting. Well I hate to break it to you, I’m giving up. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, This whole thing’s fucked. I was never better than the rest. Stayed alive, and that’s my best. So I hate to break it to you, I’m giving up. The clerk asked “What’s the reason for this?”. It’s a backlash, a quick wince. “Do you know what they praised me for? I’m the poster child for survivors.” You really think I could take it back from him, When I can’t even tell my friends that it happened again? Well I hate to break it to you, I’m giving up. Hate to be the bearer of bad news, This whole thing’s fucked. I was never better than the rest. Stayed alive, and that’s my best. So I hate to break it to you, I’m giving up. This whole thing’s fucked.

about

Shitty demos from a shitty mindset during a shitty time.

This album is essentially pages pulled out of my sonic diary from 2020-2023. I took a long time to work on genuine healing. Call it finally practicing what I was preaching, or call it being a coward who was too scared to face my own emotional and psychological struggles (or as i viewed them, inadequacies).

I'm feeling okay being human again, now that I've exited the machine. Dance, cry, laugh, cringe - whatever you need to do.

I suggest listening to this by yourself, with headphones on. Then, sharing what you want with who you think needs it.

Thanks for giving me an opportunity to clear my head this way so that we can start new, together.

-Kelc

Ps. Here is a list of trigger warnings by track. Lyrics are also listed for each song with trigger warnings at the top if you want to pre-read. Proceed with caution. Take care of yourself, and take a break if you need it - that's what I did.


Trigger / content warnings include -

Suicide, suicidal ideation : A Nice Place, Break

Substance abuse disorder : Blood Stream, Recovery Cheeks, Poured, Sting

Sexual Assault / Rape : Roadkill, Sting

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released March 3, 2023

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