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lyrics

I woke up last year and realized I was almost dead.
Face to face with my biggest fears, so I just went back to bed.
I learned the long way and the hard way, that shit’s not fair.
I was living the dream - it turns out that it’s a nightmare.

Cause I don’t really wanna live like this anymore,
But I don’t quite wanna die like I did before.
I just want a good place and go.
Am I allowed to be happy yet?

I dropped the ball last year, and this year just the same.
Sold my soul and I lost my heart playing their little games.
Now there’s an expectation for me to publicize when my brain is under attack,
But if it’s gonna kill me then I don’t want to do that -
But I’m too scared to really push back.

Cause I don’t really wanna live like this anymore,
But I don’t quite wanna die like I did before.
I just want a good place and go.
Am I allowed to be happy yet?

I’m not calling it a dark spot-
How do you perceive the ink blots in your life?
I think it might have been the best time,
But I don’t really wanna psychoanalyze
Waking up from the long nights,
Glitter stuck in my eyes,
Tired and demoralized.
Kevin, can you drive?
I don’t think I’ve got the right fight.
I’m awkward under these lights.
Maybe I should ghost write?
Letting out a deep sigh.
Back bench is where I cry.
I try to make it normalized.
I swear that I am fine.
I think I could’ve done better,
But I was slowly kind of dying on the inside.

But I’m afraid of the headspace I had back then.
It sounds dumb in a song, but I miss my friends.
I just wanna buy a new van and go.
Am I allowed to be happy yet?
The survey says no.
No, bitch you sold your sole.

(Kevin, can you drive? Tonight, please?)

credits

from Songs I Wrote Instead of Killing Myself, released March 3, 2023

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